The ability to sense and absorb regard, the way I use it in my work, is a blindspot for so many of us. It’s also one of the most important needs in relationship. Regard is widely overlooked and undervalued. In the case of regard, it is more often a trigger to us than a sought after human right of existence.

Regard is a human birthright. Whether or not we have ever experienced it, we all deserve to know the sensation of regard. Regard grows the soul. It prioritized our soul light well welcoming all the aspects of self that come with being alive. Regard is 100% acceptance coupled with a prioritization of serving as container and witnessing to another’s core self in relationship. Can you imagine what that feels like?

What exactly do I mean with this word and concept…regard? Well, you know me, before I answer that question, how about you try to answer it for yourself? Just pause for a moment and let the word REGARD trickle into your consciousness.

Does the word regard land on anything in particular - a need, a tension, a stress, a longing?

Does your body even have an idea of what regard means?

Do you feel resistance, acceptance, or nothing to the word regard?

NOW I’ll talk about my multidimensional energetic understanding of this magical word. Regard.

Regard can only be experienced and metabolized in relationship. Regard includes an inherent understanding of value. Regard does not hold space for fantasy or self sabotage because it speaks to our essence instead of our ego. Regard holds the space of soul light in the other without letting defense, separation, idealization, and lower self get in the way of knowing that light is there. Regard involves caring for a person at their worst and their best and everything in between.

How do you know when you hold someone in regard?

• When you see someone depsite of who they are, not just who they want you to see or the story they want you to believe.

• When you can fully accept and care for a person as unique and special to the same degree that you can accept their imperfections and humanity.

• When you care more about a person’s soul growth and development than they can.

• When you hold all of who a person is, accept them for all of who they are, and not demand that they change at all.

• When you see and experience a person’s negativity while still being able to maintain a connection to their essence.

How do you know when someone is holding you in regard?

• When you feel free to be your authentically imperfect self and share all of who you are with another person.

• When you can mess up, act out, or sabotage yourself and trust that you are not putting your relationship with the other person at risk.

• When you have the freedom to be your most negative self and know that you are accepted, even when you may be judged.

• When someone acts in the best interest of your soul…even when their actions seem to be in contrast to your stated needs or boundaries at the time.

• When you feel cared for and accepted even in your fuck ups, imperfections, and intense emotions.

• When you are celebrated for being you in your achievements and in your failures.

• When you are with someone and you feel like you can grow into even more of your self.

There are two questions to ask yourself that arise from the points above.

1. Are you able to feel regard towards another person?

   And…

2. Do you know what regard feels like from another person?

   Take your time. Sit with these questions. Perhaps regard needs to develop inside you as a basic need that supersedes all the more easy to meet needs you like to align with inside you.

Obviously, most of us have relationships that exist primarily without regard. Regard is terrifying! To admit to ourself that someone sees all of who we are, in all our imperfectly perfect glory and not only accepts us anyway but also wants to see even more of us? How many of us can actually feel this for our self, let alone admit another person is doing this on our behalf?

To Regard or Not Regard

The place inside that believes that we are inevitably reject-able does not understand how to metabolize regard. We will try to deserve regard, which is not the point at all. Regard speaks to the unloved self and lets someone else in to that place, without having to do any work whatsoever…except perhaps notice that someone is there with us.

If you cannot regard someone, then you are interested in the surface of their being. If you cannot as a rule regard anyone, then perhaps it is time to consider what exactly you are interested in in others. Maybe you need to get clear on what relationships have taught you to specifically distrust.

Regard needs to stem from an ability to see deeper, under the spell of story that all of us weave to catch others in our web. If you cannot get interested in what is underneath people’s stories, perhaps this means that you do not believe that you are worthy of another’s regard. Probably you have fear of what will happen if a person sees you for all of who you are, not just the more obvious performative role(s) you have chosen to play in this life.

If you do not know how to feel someone else’s regard, this also stems from an insecurity or lack of trust in yourself and others. I know so many people who do not believe that they deserve regard. It is such a huge blindspot for them that they will literally go their entire lives never even considering that being regarded is a human right, a necessity to understand your place in the universe.

If you cannot feel another persons’ regard, you most likely keep a mask in place to manage someone only seeing the surface of you. You are afraid of a part of yourself and believe that it is inevitably reject-able.

Regard Versus Love

Love is so full of expectation. It is ripe with fantasy, unmet needs, and unconscious demand. We all know how to experience love imperfectly. It is the story that fuels all of our discontent in life.

Think about some of the words we associate with love - The One, True Love, Soul Mates. There is so much weight to these words. That weight gets in the way of experiencing love. Our ego needs love to be whole.

How often is love adoration and how often does it die when a person cannot meet a fantasty’s expectation?

Love that stems from regard has ground. When we love someone and also regard them, we have a stronger foundation than expectation. We can get through hard times, disagree and fight while maintaing our own identities, and have a perspective that remembers what keeps our relationship thriving. Love without regard is fraught with demand, power plays, ideation and masks.

Our wounding tells us love has to be earned. Regard has no need for transactions Regard just is.

In a world where we have such a push to love and be loved, regard can actually just feel like letting go and letting be. Love has a pressure to it. Regard simply requires eventually allowing ourselves to surrender into our core self. Our deepest need to be accepted, seen, and loved usually reflects what we seek to avoid about our self the most.

Mutual Regard

Mutual regard exists in relationships when both people accept the soul of each other for the other. Mutual regard allows people to feel equal with each other. Unequal power dynamics do not have a strong place on a relationship with mutual regard. The mutual regard cares more deeply for soul growth than it does for ego protection. In relationships with mutual regard there is built in permission to be the self, find the true self, and cultivate the soul. Self is encouraged to get big and be authentic.

Personal Note: I need to be honest that I am incredibly privileged to have a marriage where a cornerstone of mutual regard has been present since the day we met (thank you Psilocybin). This led to growing a family where mutual regard cultivated the freedom in our children to be themselves and care about life being meaningful instead of transactional. I did not grow socially successful children that I can brag about. I grew children who know through regard that their souls have a place in their lives. Together, we all raised each other.

This core quality of regard in my family life eventually effortlessly spread to my clients and friends. It is instinctual, after so many years of living in a day to day container of mutual regard, to be able to hold regard. My regard seeks out soul growth in the midst of human ordinariness for everyone I meet and interact with.

You could say that my husband and my relationship has literally fueled our mutual healing power through regard. It’s such a potent crucible for a dynamic and alive relationships. Why? Because ultimately we are always prioritizing and seeing each other’s souls in the decisions we have made throughout our lives. The trust that stems from this is, quite frankly, erotic and vitally alive.

Self Regard

Self regard can easily get wrapped up in worth, worthiness, and insecurity. Until we can see our own soul and accept all parts of ourselves, we cannot understand how to self regard. At the same time, we do not need self regard to feel regard for another or from another.

Regard from another increases our own capacity to self regard. We need relational regard before we can self regard. This is a place where we cannot heal ourselves without knowing that our own core self is welcome in the world through the feedback of others.

Self regard grows as we develop deeper relationships with people who accept all of who we are - good, bad, pretty, mean, ugly, explosive, implosive, sabatogey, excited, creative, loving, caring, spiritually connected - ALL OF WHO WE ARE. Period. Not just the parts we keep trying to get everyone to accept about us. Definitely not being successful in hiding a piece of ourselves from the world. We need people in our lives that allow us to be dark, light, and neutral to know that we are needed and accepted. The development of self regard grows when we have space to be our authentic self (that is not idealized but purely expressed).

DISregard

I can’t really discuss regard without at least mentioning disregard. So many of us feel disregarded when those we care about do not or cannot fill a need that we express. This is a bit hard to wrap our heads around. Unless regard exists in the relationship, we cannot be disregarded. And when regard exists in a relationship, there is a chance that feeling disregard is an egoic defense that does not serve our highest self. Any deep egoic defending of regard as disregard is being used to avoid the self. When we claim disregard in defense, something about the self wants to remain hidden or unchanged.

The ultimate rejection of an exposure of our hidden self stems from the times in which disregard is defended but regard is actually present. Seriously. Try sitting with this concept for a bit of time. It’s a mindbender.

For some of us, there is no ability whatsoever to metabolize regard. In this case, disregard has no digestible meaning (and neither does self regard, honestly). Any form of regard will be met with a completely ignorant type of blind spot. Even the concept of regard cannot be contained in the energetic field of someone who does not have an understanding of it. A person’s regard in this case will be disregarded completely. The person that cannot metabolize regard will focus on other things to avoid the sensational black hole of regard. Sometimes this can feel like rejection and disregard to the person who is doing the regarding. The disregard in this case is not conscious. A person unable to feel regard will not know how to feel like themselves in relationship. A person in constant disregard of regard will not know how to feel fulfilled in the presence of others.